The second installment to the “What NOT to do” series, I start delving into more nitpicky pet peeves. Enjoy!
No, We Are Not All The Same: A kind of lame beginning to this blog, but deserves a spot all the same. This may come as a surprise to many, but Urgent Care facilities are not all affiliated. Many are privately owned, and have their own rules and regulations. I can’t count the number of times someone just assumes we are the same people as down the street. Don’t come in bitching about your horrible service last time when you were 15 minutes away at the other Urgent Care. Even if we are owned by the same people, we are not the same. I work at 2 that are owned by the same people, yet so many things are different. Vastly different. Even self pay prices. So, don’t bitch at me. If you had horrible service at our facility, you probably deserved it.
Please, For The Love Of Everything, TAKE A BATH: A lot of you may think “Oh Ziggy, I take a shower every day!”. Well, I’m not talking to you then, am I? I cannot believe how many people feel that they are so sick they don’t need to be clean to be seen by a doctor. Have you no shame?? I can smell you across the room! Some people smell so disgusting, I can’t put anyone in the room they occupied for an hour without feeling bad for that next person. Honestly, who goes to a doctor, knowing they are going to be examined, and think “I don’t need to shower, it’s not like I’m getting a pelvic!”. Disgusting. Heavy smokers are bad about this too, and I myself smoke. Some people smell like all they do is sit in a box barely big enough to fit themselves and chain smoke for 36 hours before they walk in. I can’t stand that smell, the smell of stale smoke that has been festering on your skin for hours. Go outside sometime and air yourself out, you smell horrible. If I ever smell like that, please shoot me. It should go without saying, but brush your teeth, too. I don’t want to smell your nasty breath.
Being Seen For A Cough, Standing Outside Smoking: If you are being seen for a cough, and I come out to call you back and you’re outside smoking, you can just forget meeting nice Ziggy. I will pull out all stops to make you feel miserable. You are coming to the doctor for a cough and need to go out and smoke!?!? Give your lungs a break, you aren’t going to die if you don’t smoke for the next hour, not to mention it’s rude as hell when I’m ready to put you in line in the back and you are outside, not even ready to come back. YOU HAVE A COUGH! I cannot stress this enough. Plus, it puts you in the previous category of stinking. When I have a cough, I cut back naturally, and if I was going to the doctor I definitely wouldn’t be caught out front having a smoke before asking for a prescription. Rude. Speaking of rude…
Get Off Your Damn Cellphone: Generally speaking, about 10-20% of my patients carry their cellphone in their hand throughout the entire triage process. About 3-5% are actively texting or talking on their phone at some point between me calling their name and triaging them. The rudeness is astounding. Honestly, is it that important that you find out what Tammy did last night, or what Brian wore out to his hot date last night? You’re being extremely rude playing with your phone while I’m trying to take your blood pressure or asking you intimate questions about your health history. I must admit tho, when people drop their “smart” phones because they’re fumbling with it while I’m doing vitals, I laugh a little (read: a LOT) on the inside. If whatever you’re texting or talking about is so important, I’ll leave you in the waiting room until you’re done. If you hold it in your hand like you’re waiting on a death notice call from your significant other, I’m going to try to make you drop your phone. Quit being so rude. I don’t even talk/text on my phone when I’m in line to check out of a store, you’re at a doctor’s office because YOU feel you’re sick enough to need help (or seeking drugs). Put your phone away, I need your undivided attention for 7 minutes. If it’s that important, don’t come in.
Drug Seekers: I know, drugs can be fun. I’ve been there. But for those of you looking for narcotics, I’m going to clue you in right now. There’s a NATIONAL database that shows every prescription you’ve ever filled, what date it was filled, type of drug, quantity, who wrote it from what facility, and your diagnosis. All doctors check this before writing prescriptions for any type of pain killers. We have at least a handful of “regulars” that come in seeking narcotic drugs, and guess what? After 2-3 visits, you’re flagged as a drug seeker, and we will never again write you a prescription for a narcotic type drug, so when you really need it, you aren’t going to get it. Most seekers don’t really care about when they “need” it, they just care about their fix…but I find it funny. I love watching a seeker writhe in pain, and I’ll just smile and put on a fake pity party for you. “Aww, that must suck. I’m so ‘sorry’, want some water?” I have absolutely no real sympathy for seekers. They generally cover many categories I’ve covered, so I just don’t care. They stink, they are rude, and feel entitled that we write them scripts for what they want. Sorry, doesn’t work that way. Go do a drug you can find without bugging me, wasting my time (and the doctor’s), and increasing the wait time for people who truly need to see the doctor. I’m on to you.
We Speak English Here, Learn It: I know it is insensitive of me to have this stance, but you know what? I don’t care. If you are living in this country long enough, you really should learn at least enough english to hold a semi-coherent medical history conversation. If not, bring someone who can translate, because without it, I cannot help you. If you’re lucky enough to get an MA or Doctor that speaks spanish/arabic/whatever you speak, good for you! Most often times, you will not. Learn some damn english. If I planned on moving to your country to exploit it, I would sure as hell try to learn your language first. But then again, I’m smart.
We Did Not Forget About You: Urgent Care facilities are popping up all over the nation, and in bigger cities, you can count on there being at least 10 within a 30 minute drive. They are sweeping the nation! They are there for those little sicknesses that you can’t get into your primary care doctor for. Even with the vast selection of facilities to go to, they get busy. Very, very busy. Especially in the last hour of operation for the day. If you enter an Urgent Care, and they actually warn you about a wait time of 45+ minutes, you need to ask yourself, “Can this really not wait a day?”. I’m telling you this, because so many people feel obligated, after I’ve told them there is a long wait once they’re in the room, to come out of their room to inquire about where the doctor is and what is taking so long. Unfortunately, it is very, very hard to “forget” about you being there, as much as we would like to. Sometimes the doctor is slow, or the doctor has a difficult patient (that requires some sort of procedure), or we are just plain busy as shit because everyone waited until the last minute to pile in, including you. Quit bugging me about the wait time, you were warned, and if you weren’t, go sit in the ER for 3+ hours and quit bitching to me. I don’t give a shit how long you’ve been waiting, you waited all day to come in, you can wait another 20 minutes. If you don’t like it, there are 20 other urgent cares you can go to. Get over yourself.
Stop Having Children: This mainly is directed at those who live off the government, and can’t keep their legs closed. They usually don’t plan on having 10 children, but shit happens, right? That, or, they do it to continue living off the government, getting free housing, food, and medical care. I bust my ass and get nothing for free, why can’t they get fixed and get a job? I think free medical care is slowly getting better, demanding people to put out so many resumes or get enrolled in school, but can’t we fix them after X amount of children? I’m really tired of taking care of these people. It’s not the children’s fault, but christ, can’t they learn that their parents are R-tards? Close your damn legs, use some protection, something. Children are not there to be exploited so you can be lazy, so quit having them. That brings me to…
Control The Children You Do Have: This category is not strictly devoted to state funded health insurance exploiters either. So many parents come in, and their children are complete asshats. Here’s a hint: Corporal punishment is not banned, and even if it was, I sure as shit am not stopping you from giving your kid a good swat. I’ve seen the biggest brat shitheads at my facilities. Jesus, really? If you can’t control them, don’t have them. A big thanks goes out to the parents that DO control their children, and they come in well-behaved. Nothing is better than a child that does what you ask, when you ask them, and doesn’t kick and scream when I go to take their temperature. I have wanted to bitch slap so many parents it makes me nauseous. Screaming, kicking, hitting, obnoxious little brats. Makes me want to kill infants.
STDs: The final chapter of this section I saved, because, it is the most near and dear to me in this selection of what not to do. First off, you should always use protection if you’re going to have intercourse before you’re married (or even strictly monogamous). You should be MORE adamant about it after you’ve done the walk of shame into an urgent care to take care of your sexual deviancy. If I see you more than once for the same disease, then you’re doing something wrong, and I notice these things. People are notorious for getting STDs, repeatedly, and everyone tries to blame someone else. You know the saying, “Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.”? It applies ten fold in this scenario. I don’t care who cheated on you, who lied to you, etc. Your first STD is a freebie, after that, I’m blaming you. If I have to give you more than one shot of Ceftriaxone in a year’s time, and I remember you, anything after the first is getting mixed with sterile water instead of lidocaine, and you will start learning your lesson with pain instead of numbing pleasure. So many people blame their significant others, but if I see you more than once in a 6 month window, let alone 1 month, then it is your fault. You will pay by my needle, because you have begun annoying me at this point. Use protection, or even better yet, stop having sex with this person you obviously cannot trust. Protection is the best method, because most people who come in like this aren’t with just one person anyway. Besides, you can get a really bad STD from unprotected sex, it’s called children, then you’re visiting multiple categories I’ve listed, and you’re in an even bigger shitstorm with me. Yes, I check your previous visits if you sound familiar. I will exact my revenge. You’d think one embarrassing visit would be enough, but not for these assholes. Most of them are teens/early 20′s, but I get the occasional 30+ that has cheated and doesn’t want anything sent to their home. I hope we have to bill them most of the time.
That’s all I have for the time being kids, more coming soon!