Guess who’s back?

It’s been a while, folks, and people are still just as retarded as a bag of hair.  So, I’m back to post a little bit more about the wild and crazy adventures of urgent medical care.  I kinda stopped writing last Christmas due to being so damn busy I couldn’t even think straight, but I’ve gotten a little more used to that now.  I’ve had plenty of ideas and lost them all, but I will try and rekindle my thoughts here to bring you a little bit of humor. 

In the last couple years of working at an urgent care facility (or 5), I’ve realized that they all have a few things in common.  One of them is, you can never count on it being busy or dead, or even steady.  The ebbs and flows of human nature are intermixed with mother nature, and with that comes chaos.  Weather changes bring in a slew of people with sinus congestion or sinus issues, and you’d think that a little OTC sinus medicine would do the trick, but some people just feel better having a doctor tell them that and give them a prescription for the same thing (And pay upwards of $300 for doing so…for high deductible patients, anyways). 

Another thing I’ve noticed, that is kind of funny as well as interesting, is the desire of some women, wether consciously or subconsciously, to be intimately involved with.  Let me explain… at one facility I work at, I tend to, due to the location of all the equipment, use the patient’s left hand for taking their oxygen level.  It’s just a little clamp-like device you place on their finger.  I’ve noticed that the heavier and uglier a patient is, the more likely they are to offer me their ring finger… which leads me to believe it’s a desire that they are hoping to feel like they are being proposed to.  How weird is that!?  I think I’ve had possibly 1 near-attractive female do that to me, the rest have been morbidly obese, extremely hard on the eyes women.  Using me for their deep seated desires.  Makes me shudder. ><

STD’s!  They are absolutely RAMPANT!  If you are a sexually active person, take this into consideration.  A majority of my STD patients are african american, so once you go black, you’re more likely to get the clap.  Who cares if you go back or not?  However, my caucasion brothers and sisters are not immune.  There are still bouts of all kinds of infectious genital issues for all races and religions.  Nobody is safe, so you should all make sure YOU’RE being safe!  If you’re gonna cheat on your significant other, at least have the courtesy of making sure you use protection!  Half of the nation’s STD problem arises from adultery (or so I’m told), if only we could all be SAFE about it, maybe we could rid ourselves of this shit.

Good ‘ol America.  Land of the free, home of the adulterers and lazy and/or fat people.

Happy Holidays!

That’s a load of shit if I ever saw one.

So, I’m at work on Xmas.  No big deal.  I knew it was coming.  I expected many days like this when I joined the medical field.  I knew what I was getting into.  But holy shit!  We’re not “busy” by any means at all, but just enough trash patients to justify us being open, which makes people look at me like I’m an idiot when I bitch about the shit I see here. 

You know, 90% of our patients have had their symptoms at least a few days.  Sound familiar?

On top of that, the doctor working today (one of the owners, consequently one that does not celebrate Xmas, and we had to pull his teeth to get him to let us close early) brings his patients from outside the facility to see him here today, which means I have to deal with them as well.  I’m so fed up with this place! 

Lets look through our list of problems:

Cough, Fever, Fever, Cough, Gout, Cough, Motor Vehicle Accident, Blood Draw “Screening”, Cough, Cough.

Well, for 70% of them, ever heard of Cough Medicine or Acetaminophen?  Didn’t think so.  The blood draw, well, that was a buddy of the doctor’s, go me.  Gout?  For those whom do not know, it’s inflammation of a joint, accompanied by swelling, redness, and lots of pain.  Come to find out the lady forgot her gout medication at the pharmacy, and they even called while she was here.  Amazing.  Aaaaaaand the car accident, well, if you weren’t high as fuck driving like an idiot, you probably could have avoided it.  So I’m blaming everyone for this one. 

I’m baffled by even 10 people not having something better to do on Christmas Day than to come to an urgent care.  I mean shit, even if I had no family or friends, I wouldn’t want to do shit on Christmas.  Coughing?  Guess I’ll take some Nyquil and take a nap before watching football.  Fever?  I’ll take some tylenol so I can sit here and watch football.  Gout?  Oh hey, I won’t forget my gout medication so I can sit here and watch football.  As far as the accident, I wouldn’t be driving, I’d be at home getting ready to watch the football game. 

Sorry, I just don’t like people on the one day that you’re supposed to.  I sure hope this doesn’t ruin my demeanor for the rest of the day, because I do have plans.  1.5 hours to go, pray for me!

 

Today Is Just One Of Those Days…

So, like the title says, it’s one of those days.  I’m dealing with stupid patients and stupid parents.  Let’s start it off with the stupid mom.

So, this lady brings in her 2 children.  I want to start off by saying I love dealing with kids.  My ideal job (one of, at least) would be working in a Children’s Hospital.  Granted, some of them are scared of me by looks, but I digress.  I should have known from the get-go that this was going to be rough, because it was two children, not just one.  See: If you have multiple children and one is sick, get them fixed asap, don’t wait til they are all sick.  So, the older of the two is annoying me before I even close the waiting room door.  Probably not her fault, so I shrug it off.  Get them all back to the room, and let’s think about all the things the mother does NOT know:

Child’s Allergies: At least she had it written down on a piece of paper.

Menstruation: Didn’t know the definition.  At first when I asked if she (her older daughter) was menstrual, she thought I asked something about the month.  When I said it again, being sure to speak up and enunciate my words, she looked at me like I just asked her to solve a complicated calculus equation…as if she was in third grade.  I then asked if she had her period yet, then she knew what I was talking about.

Overall IQ: As I talked to this woman, I slowly began to realize that we really are cockblocking Darwin, and we really need to stop that.  Darwin is our friend.  Let him do his work.

The next one comes in the form of a callback.  We take X-rays, and when we get “official” results, the doctor reviews them, and we call them back, giving official results.  Not to mention they get “unofficial” results from the doc the day the x-rays are taken.  So I call this patient’s “father”, as a callback, to inform them of the results.  As the phone is ringing, I see that we called them once about 5 days ago.  So the guy picks up the phone, I ask for the parents of this child, he says it is him.  Due to HIPAA laws, I ask for the child’s birthdate for confirmation that I am speaking to the right person.

His response: “I don’t know, hold on a second.”

What the FUCK?  I point-blank asked him, “This is your child and you don’t know his birthday?”  ”No, I have 5 kids.”  Dude, my dad has 5 kids, and while he’s not the best at actually remembering all the time, he can tell you all 5 birthdays without breaking a sweat.  So can I.  I can also list a number of other birthdays, anniversaries, important dates.  Not all that I should, but a lot of them.  This guy has to look up his kids’ birthdays?  Wow.

Then I give him the results, and it gets better.  He got all smart-assed with me saying how we are a bunch of “losers” because it took this long to get results.  Excuse me?  I made sure I mentioned that we left a message 5 days ago trying to give them results, AND they got immediate results from the doc here.  So the guy that can’t remember his own child’s birthday is calling me a loser?  He claims we never called him.

Maybe one of his five children that he knows nothing about deleted the message being dumbfucks like their dad.

The last one is just annoying.  I’m tired of typing so I’m not going to go into detail.  Basically, another callback, tests came back positive for trich.  It’s an STD.  Pray you don’t get it.  It’s painful, and so is the test for it.  I was trying to let her know that she was positive, and we were gonna call in a new prescription for her.  She starts rambling, wondering this and that, asking questions I can’t answer.  I don’t know, just take the damn pill.   Quit questioning everything, or quit coming to see me.  You came to us to get fixed, were giving you what you need to get fixed, and you want to tell me that someone here is wrong?  Fuck you, go somewhere else next time.  I hope your unborn child gets trich too.  Oh yeah, this 40 something ugly fat chick was pregnant with trich.  Way to be a responsible adult.

Sorry, today is just a bad day.  I don’t want her child to get trich.  I’m just pissed.  Too many stupid people coming in or calling me today.  Hope you guys have a better day than me!

~Ziggy

What The Hell Is Going On Here?

I don’t get it.  I really don’t.

People are idiots.  The collective masses have a combined common sense IQ equivalent of a field mouse crawling into a starving hawk’s nest.  What is the world coming to?  What happened to self-soothing, over-the-counter medicines, and home remedies?  Every day I work is another battle with self-mutilation followed up by suicide.  The stupid shit I see, the questions that are baffling, it’s all too much!

One of my pet peeves, as you all know, is giving me too much information.  I ask a yes or no question, or a “how many days” question, and at least 60% of people go into a story about how they went to their doctor 2 weeks ago, and then it got better, blah, blah, blah.  So I have gotten into the habit of politely responding to these morons with a simple, yet professional,  ”Hey, I’m sorry, but I don’t need to know all of that, I just need to know ”.”  Well apparently, one of these mouth-breathing cocksuckers decided to bitch about me cutting them off while giving me their random life story, or whatever.  To the doctor that owns the business that I’m working for.

Read: Money hungry, good for nothing, piece of shit foreigner here to feed off the stupidity of trailer trash and hood rat assholes on state funded insurance.  I mean, good for him, he’s smarter than me for doing so.

So, my office manager, bless her soul, had to say something to me about it.  It wasn’t a “big deal, after he talked to the patient”, I’m told, but this is the same guy that keeps track of how long it takes to register, triage, and see a patient so they’re out of here in a timely manner.

What the fuck?

So here I am, trying to abide by the creed of “get them in and out”, and he’s bitching that I hurt a mouth-breathers feelings because I don’t care about the details?  He’s too stupid to realize that he’s going to have to repeat every fucking thing he’s telling me to the doctor, but he can manage to be upset because I don’t want to hear it the first time around?

Don’t these people have anything better to do, than to bug me?

I realize a lot of people are lonely, and just want to be heard.  This is NOT the place for it.  You are here to be treated for your illness, imaginary or real.  I am not your friend, buddy, or therapist.  I do not want to hear it.  Period.  End of story.  So, when I cut you off from your long-winded, story background of a simple answer, do not be surprised when I cut you off to tell you I don’t need that information.  Because I will.  You are not the only person in my workday, there are many others, and even if you’re the only person in the building, I still would rather get done with you so I can catch up with all my other work I need to accomplish throughout the day between the other mouth-breathers.

Shut up already.

 

What NOT To Do, Part III

No intro should be needed by now…

Calling Me:  So, I get the most random calls throughout the day.  Most of the information (hours, location, etc) can be found on the interwebs.  You found my number right?  Look right next to it at the map for directions, and click the link to see the hours instead of bugging me.  I have “important” patients, just like you, in my office right now, that you are keeping me from because you’re too lazy to use google maps.  If you called 411 to get my number, you’re just retarded.  Also, when you call me, whether you meant to or not, at least say “bye” to me at the end of the conversation.  I’m sick of common courtesy being thrown out the window when people talk to me on the phone.  Fucking wankers.

Take Care Of Yourself:  I’m a smoker, and I know when not to smoke.  I know, I’m almost a hypocrite as much as I write about smokers, but really.  I had a patient come in, wheezing every breath, could barely stand up straight, and it was a problem just standing up from sitting in a chair.  What was she being seen for?  A urinary tract infection.  Maybe you should put the smokes down for a few weeks sweetheart, you look like you’re about to keel over and die on the spot.  You guys really have to learn when it’s time to quit, even if it’s temporary. 

Get My Pen Out Of Your Mouth:  Ok, it’s not my pen, or I’d shove it up your ass.  However, the community pens are for everyone, not just you.  Not only does everyone else not want your germs on a pen they are going to write with, but think about every sick person before you coughing directly into your mouth, or wiping their chlamydia onto  your tongue.  You really want that in your mouth?  Hell, people even steal the pens.  I don’t even want to touch them, to be honest.  While we’re at it, if you have any sort of cough, sore throat, etc., maybe you should put a mask on.  We provide them for a reason.  That reason is so when you cough in my face without covering your mouth like the rude ass you are, I don’t get your shit all over me.  It’s bad enough I see 30-60 sick people every day, I don’t need them each depositing their nastiness onto me directly.

No, We Are NOT Your Primary Care Physician:  This covers several categories that I’ve decided to lump into one.  Yes, you have to fill out the paperwork every time you come in.  Yes, I have to take your height/weight/etc. every time you come in, even if it’s twice in one day.  No, we cannot and will not bill you.  No, we will not refill your prescription.  What is with people?  I do not owe you anything, and I will not pretend I do to make you feel better.  If you need a refill of your blood pressure/asthma/anxiety/pain medications, go to your primary doctor.  That’s what they are there for, we are there to diagnose and fix small problems.  As much as I hate to admit it, we are there for the little shit so you don’t have to sit in the emergency room for 3+ hours.  I could give a shit less if my doctor doesn’t prescribe what you want, or anything, for that matter, if they feel you don’t need it.  Even if we’ve seen you 10 times in the last month, you still have to be seen again for a refill.  That’s just how it works.  Get over it, or get off your ass and go see a primary care doctor.

Self Pay Discounting:  I don’t know how other places work perse, but at our facility, we offer special prices on things like flu shots for those that pay cash.  We do this because it’s cheaper to take your cash now and make a small profit, than charge your insurance, pay billing to follow up, etc. etc.  If you use your insurance for these special offers, they will NOT be the same price!!!  So, when you call me asking the price, I’ll tell you the discount self pay price, not the price we charge insurance.  If you use your insurance, and they don’t want to pay $X.XX for whatever it is you’re too cheap to pay for yourself, guess what?  YOU get the bill!  I love it!  It just sucks when people are too stupid to realize how things work, therefore, I’m telling you here and now.  I hate it when people call me and can’t understand what I mean when I say “If you use your insurance, and they don’t pay for it, you’ll get billed more than that.”  “Why is it so much more expensive?”  “Because we’re here to make money, just like everyone else.”

For The Love Of All That Is Holy, SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE:  Another of my greatest pet peeves: Not knowing when to shut up.  If I ask you a yes or no question, I do not need a 5 minute long explanation.  If I ask you what brings you in today, I do not need to hear the entire timeline of everything that happened, every symptom, what you did to try to correct it, and what you feel should be done.  Sure, I need this information eventually, but I ask specific questions.  50% of my patients talk way too much.  I’m actually a person that talks way too much when I’m telling a story, or trying to explain something, and even I am irritated by these people.  If I ask you how long you’ve been sick, you say “X hours/days/weeks/months”, not “Well, I started with congestion about 3 weeks ago, then a few days later my throat got sore.  So then I went to my primary care, and he gave me X, and I took that for 10 days, and my sore throat went away, then I started coughing, and 4 days ago my sinuses just blew up, and since yesterday I’ve had a killer headache.”  I stopped listening at “3 weeks ago”.  Then they look at me weird when I ask if they’ve had a cough, like I was supposed to memorize everything they said 5 minutes ago.  I ask you specific questions for a reason.  Just answer the question, preferably with a yes or a no if applicable, and let me ask my next question.

I Am Not A Doctor, And Neither Are You:  I am not a doctor.  If I introduce myself as “Ziggy”, and not “Dr. Ziggy”, then you should not assume that I am one.  Do not ask my opinions, what I think, or anything of the like.  Because I don’t have those magical letters in my name, I legally cannot tell you anything without legal consequences.  On the other side of the fence, YOU are not a doctor either, so do not assume you know more than the doctor when you call me to bitch.  Example: Too often I get calls or repeat patients that say “I came in X days ago…” (usually 3 or less) “…and was prescribed this antibiotic, and it’s not working/not strong enough/too strong.”  “Did you take the entire prescription?  No?  Then leave me alone until you’ve taken it all as prescribed.”  People, listen.  Antibiotics are prescribed with the assumption and agreement that you will take all of the medication.  If you don’t, then you’re wrong in any assumption that you may have.  If you DO finish it, and you’re still sick, guess what?  We’re not your primary care doctor, you have to pay for another visit, and get prescribed something else.  Oh, and if you happen to be a doctor and feel that our doctor prescribed you something wrong, than you’re an idiot and I don’t have any sympathy for you, because you should be too smart to come to an urgent care to begin with, and you should have said something when you saw the prescription.

What NOT to do, Part II

The second installment to the “What NOT to do” series, I start delving into more nitpicky pet peeves.  Enjoy!

No, We Are Not All The Same:  A kind of lame beginning to this blog, but deserves a spot all the same.  This may come as a surprise to many, but Urgent Care facilities are not all affiliated.  Many are privately owned, and have their own rules and regulations.  I can’t count the number of times someone just assumes we are the same people as down the street.  Don’t come in bitching about your horrible service last time when you were 15 minutes away at the other Urgent Care.  Even if we are owned by the same people, we are not the same.  I work at 2 that are owned by the same people, yet so many things are different.  Vastly different.  Even self pay prices.  So, don’t bitch at me.  If you had horrible service at our facility, you probably deserved it.

Please, For The Love Of Everything, TAKE A BATH:  A lot of you may think “Oh Ziggy, I take a shower every day!”.  Well, I’m not talking to you then, am I?  I cannot believe how many people feel that they are so sick they don’t need to be clean to be seen by a doctor.  Have you no shame??  I can smell you across the room!  Some people smell so disgusting, I can’t put anyone in the room they occupied for an hour without feeling bad for that next person.  Honestly, who goes to a doctor, knowing they are going to be examined, and think “I don’t need to shower, it’s not like I’m getting a pelvic!”.  Disgusting.  Heavy smokers are bad about this too, and I myself smoke.  Some people smell like all they do is sit in a box barely big enough to fit themselves and chain smoke for 36 hours before they walk in.  I can’t stand that smell, the smell of stale smoke that has been festering on your skin for hours.  Go outside sometime and air yourself out, you smell horrible.  If I ever smell like that, please shoot me.  It should go without saying, but brush your teeth, too.  I don’t want to smell your nasty breath.

Being Seen For A Cough, Standing Outside Smoking:  If you are being seen for a cough, and I come out to call you back and you’re outside smoking, you can just forget meeting nice Ziggy.  I will pull out all stops to make you feel miserable.  You are coming to the doctor for a cough and need to go out and smoke!?!?  Give your lungs a break, you aren’t going to die if you don’t smoke for the next hour, not to mention it’s rude as hell when I’m ready to put you in line in  the back and you are outside, not even ready to come back.  YOU HAVE A COUGH!  I cannot stress this enough.  Plus, it puts you in the previous category of stinking. When I have a cough, I cut back naturally, and if I was going to the doctor I definitely wouldn’t be caught out front having a smoke before asking for a prescription. Rude.  Speaking of rude…

Get Off Your Damn Cellphone:  Generally speaking, about 10-20% of my patients carry their cellphone in their hand throughout the entire triage process.  About 3-5% are actively texting or talking on their phone at some point between me calling their name and triaging them.  The rudeness is astounding.  Honestly, is it that important that you find out what Tammy did last night, or what Brian wore out to his hot date last night?  You’re being extremely rude playing with your phone while I’m trying to take your blood pressure or asking you intimate questions about your health history.  I must admit tho, when people drop their “smart” phones because they’re fumbling with it while I’m doing vitals, I laugh a little (read: a LOT) on the inside.  If whatever you’re texting or talking about is so important, I’ll leave you in the waiting room until you’re done.  If you hold it in your hand like you’re waiting on a death notice call from your significant other, I’m going to try to make you drop your phone.  Quit being so rude.  I don’t even talk/text on my phone when I’m in line to check out of a store, you’re at a doctor’s office because YOU feel you’re sick enough to need help (or seeking drugs).  Put your phone away, I need your undivided attention for 7 minutes.  If it’s that important, don’t come in.

Drug Seekers:  I know, drugs can be fun.  I’ve been there.  But for those of you looking for narcotics, I’m going to clue you in right now.  There’s a NATIONAL database that shows every prescription you’ve ever filled, what date it was filled, type of drug, quantity, who wrote it from what facility, and your diagnosis.  All doctors check this before writing prescriptions for any type of pain killers.  We have at least a handful of “regulars” that come in seeking narcotic drugs, and guess what?  After 2-3 visits, you’re flagged as a drug seeker, and we will never again write you a prescription for a narcotic type drug, so when you really need it, you  aren’t going to get it.  Most seekers don’t really care about when they “need” it, they just care about their fix…but I find it funny.  I love watching a seeker writhe in pain, and I’ll just smile and put on a fake pity party for you.  “Aww, that must suck.  I’m so ‘sorry’, want some water?”  I have absolutely no real sympathy for seekers.  They generally cover many categories I’ve covered, so I just don’t care.  They stink, they are rude, and feel entitled that we write them scripts for what they want.  Sorry, doesn’t work that way.  Go do a drug you can find without bugging me, wasting my time (and the doctor’s), and increasing the wait time for people who truly need to see the doctor.  I’m on to you.

We Speak English Here, Learn It:  I know it is insensitive of me to have this stance, but you know what?  I don’t care.  If you are living in this country long enough, you really should learn at least enough english to hold a semi-coherent medical history conversation.  If not, bring someone who can translate, because without it, I cannot help you.  If you’re lucky enough to get an MA or Doctor that speaks spanish/arabic/whatever you speak, good for you!  Most often times, you will not.  Learn some damn english.  If I planned on moving to your country to exploit it, I would sure as hell try to learn your language first.  But then again, I’m smart.

We Did Not Forget About You: Urgent Care facilities are popping up all over the nation, and in bigger cities, you can count on there being at least 10 within a 30 minute drive.  They are sweeping the nation!  They are there for those little sicknesses that you can’t get into your primary care doctor for.  Even with the vast selection of facilities to go to, they get busy.  Very, very busy.  Especially in the last hour of operation for the day.  If you enter an Urgent Care, and they actually warn you about a wait time of 45+ minutes, you need to ask yourself, “Can this really not wait a day?”.  I’m telling you this, because so many people feel obligated, after I’ve told them there is a long wait once they’re in the room, to come out of their room to inquire about where the doctor is and what is taking so long.  Unfortunately, it is very, very hard to “forget” about you being there, as much as we would like to.  Sometimes the doctor is slow, or the doctor has a difficult patient (that requires some sort of procedure), or we are just plain busy as shit because everyone waited until the last minute to pile in, including you.  Quit bugging me about the wait time, you were warned, and if you weren’t, go sit in the ER for 3+ hours and quit bitching to me.  I don’t give a shit how long you’ve been waiting, you waited all day to come in, you can wait another 20 minutes.  If you don’t like it, there are 20 other urgent cares you can go to.  Get over yourself.

Stop Having Children:  This mainly is directed at those who live off the government, and can’t keep their legs closed.  They usually don’t plan on having 10 children, but shit happens, right?  That, or, they do it to continue living off the government, getting free housing, food, and medical care.  I bust my ass and get nothing for free, why can’t they get fixed and get a job?  I think free medical care is slowly getting better, demanding people to put out so many resumes or get enrolled in school, but can’t we fix them after X amount of children?  I’m really tired of taking care of these people.  It’s not the children’s fault, but christ, can’t they learn that their parents are R-tards?  Close your damn legs, use some protection, something.  Children are not there to be exploited so you can be lazy, so quit having them.  That brings me to…

Control The Children You Do Have:  This category is not strictly devoted to state funded health insurance exploiters either.  So many parents come in, and their children are complete asshats.  Here’s a hint: Corporal punishment is not banned, and even if it was, I sure as shit am not stopping you from giving your kid a good swat.  I’ve seen the biggest brat shitheads at my facilities.  Jesus, really?  If you can’t control them, don’t have them.  A big thanks goes out to the parents that DO control their children, and they come in well-behaved.  Nothing is better than a child that does what you ask, when you ask them, and doesn’t kick and scream when I go to take their temperature.  I have wanted to bitch slap so many parents it makes me nauseous.  Screaming, kicking, hitting, obnoxious little brats.  Makes me want to kill infants.

STDs:  The final chapter of this section I saved, because, it is the most near and dear to me in this selection of what not to do.  First off, you should always use protection if you’re going to have intercourse before you’re married (or even strictly monogamous).  You should be MORE adamant about it after you’ve done the walk of shame into an urgent care to take care of your sexual deviancy.  If I see you more than once for the same disease, then you’re doing something wrong, and I notice these things.  People are notorious for getting STDs, repeatedly, and everyone tries to blame someone else.  You know the saying, “Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.”?  It applies ten fold in this scenario.  I don’t care who cheated on you, who lied to you, etc.  Your first STD is a freebie, after that, I’m blaming you.  If I have to give you more than one shot of Ceftriaxone in a year’s time, and I remember you, anything after the first is getting mixed with sterile water instead of lidocaine, and you will start learning your lesson with pain instead of numbing pleasure.  So many people blame their significant others, but if I see you more than once in a 6 month window, let alone 1 month, then it is your fault.  You will pay by my needle, because you have begun annoying me at this  point.  Use protection, or even better yet, stop having sex with this person you obviously cannot trust.  Protection is the best method, because most people who come in like this aren’t with just one person anyway.  Besides, you can get a really bad STD from unprotected sex, it’s called children, then  you’re visiting multiple categories I’ve listed, and you’re in an even bigger shitstorm with me.  Yes, I check your previous visits if you sound familiar.  I will exact my revenge.  You’d think one embarrassing visit would be enough, but not for these assholes.  Most of them are teens/early 20′s, but I get the occasional 30+ that has cheated and doesn’t want anything sent to their home.  I hope we have to bill them most of the time. 

That’s all I have for the time being kids, more coming soon!

~Ziggy

What NOT To Do, Part I

To start off this amazing blog, I am going to cover a few of my pet peeves.  To date, they are extensive, but these generally top the charts.

Arrival Time: Many facilities that adopt the term “Urgent Care” are not 24 hour facilities.  If your favorite is a 24 hour facility, you can ignore this.  Arriving 5 minutes before the doors lock with your “urgent” problem pisses me right off.  We have posted hours, and if you’ve had this problem for more than an hour, it is most certainly not urgent.  You should have come in when it became a problem.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, pisses me off more than a patient walking in the door 5 minutes before I’m about to lock up, and I get into triage, and they’ve had this minor inconvenience for 2 weeks.  Really?  You’re going to come bug me with your problem right before I lock the door?  What the fuck did you do all day??  ”But Ziggy, some people work all day.”  You’re right, but not for 2 weeks straight.  We’re open 7 days a week for a reason.  Come in before we’re about to close, not right before we lock up.  It’s rude, inconsiderate, and I’ll do everything in my power to make your visit as unpleasant as possible.

Being A(n) Ass/Bitch:  Guess what?  I get paid to do this job, not apologizing for what you think is “right”.  Example:  The other day, this bitch walks in and I was in the back with a patient, and so was my co-worker.  As I’m speaking to a patient in the hallway as they are leaving, she opens the door and screams down the hallway, “Hello!?”.  She saw me, walked to the front window, and waited.  As I said goodbye to the previous patient, I fling open my window and ask if she needed to be seen.  Side note:  It was 5 minutes before I was scheduled to lock the door.  Anyways, she replies with a “yes”, and I give her the appropriate paperwork.  As she is filling out her paperwork, I’m talking to my coworker at this point, answering a question about another patient.  The “bitch” looks up from her paperwork, interrupts me, and says “Why did you have all the lights off, to look like you weren’t open?”.  I informed her that no lights were turned off, and asked what she meant.  She said when she walked in the lights looked like they were off, like we were pretending to be closed.  She had a very nasty, snide tone to her.  My reply?  I shut the window, showing her the blacked out portion of the window, and re-opened it, adding “And there’s a sign right there stating that we will be right with you.  No lights were off.”  At this point she responds with a quiet “Oh, I’m sorry”.  You’re damn right you’re sorry, don’t fucking be a bitch to me, especially when you walk in the door right before close and you’ve had this issue for 3 days.  Bitch.

Trying To Do My Job For Me:  Guess what?  I went to school for my fields, and I know my job.  I don’t care if you’ve done my job before, work in my field, or even if you’re higher educated than me.  If you were really that much smarter than me, you wouldn’t be in my facility, you’d be going about it a different, easier, more convenient way for you.  Trust me, I do it all the time.  I hate it when someone brags about being in MA/LPN/RN school, and they can do this and that, or they feel I did something wrong.  99.999999999% of the time, I am right.  The rest of the time, you are still wrong, because I’m probably doing it that way to piss you off and/or make your day more miserable for being a bitch to me, or bragging about your “B” you got in vitals class for your 6 week MA “degree”.  Oh, you’re an RN?  I’m living with one, and that’s the only one I listen to.  The rest of them, honestly, I don’t give a second thought.  Some are smart, most are clueless, and live off of routine.  You know, doing the same thing every day, with an occasional code to mix it up.  I don’t listen to nurses in my main fields, I sure as shit aren’t going to listen to you when you’re a patient.  I don’t care what you think it is, what you think I did wrong (on purpose or not), or what degree you have;  Most of them are gay anyways, and I can do most of those jobs without having the degree (and HAVE done that job).  Only exception is doctors, and no doctor I can think of would dream of going to an Urgent Care, just get a buddy to write a script.

Showing Up Without ID/Insurance Card:  This one should be common sense.  I can’t count how many times someone comes in without an ID or Insurance card.  This has got to be the stupidest thing ever.  You do realize you planned on coming here right?  Not to mention, who the fuck drives around without their license??  I put up with this shit daily.  I don’t get it.  BRING YOUR SHIT WITH YOU.  YOU WERE PLANNING ON COMING HERE FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS, BRING THOSE 2 THINGS WITH YOU!!!  Is it that hard?  No, I will not look up your visit from 2 years ago to see if we still have your shit on file, how about you do your part and just bring your information.  Hell, even if you just write down the numbers I need I’m not that pissy.

Can You Bill Me?:  No, I cannot.  Now, I’m not sure how pissed I can be about this, because I’m not sure how many people realize that most urgent cares are private businesses… Sure, some are bought out by major local hospitals, but those who are not, are strictly private.  Most in my area are private.  So no, we will not bill you.  What you are coming here for is due for payment before we do it.  We are not an emergency room.  You are paying for the privilege of not waiting in the ER for 3 hours to be billed.  Have a copay?  Guess what, pay it or you aren’t going to be seen.  You can’t walk into Best Buy, grab a video game, take it to the counter, give them your address, and  have them bill you.  That’s what credit cards are for.  We take those, too.  Thanks for your money, or thanks for walking out and leaving me the hell alone.

State Funded Health Insurance:  Ok, this is a touchy subject, I know.  There are many families that have this type of “free” coverage for their children, and I actually support my state’s policy, which is “no child will go without health insurance”.  I think it’s great.  However, there are those that use their child’s insurance wisely, and those that abuse it.  This rant is about the abusers.  You know who I’m talking about, the parents that bring their child in 1-3 times a week for the same thing, not giving the antibiotics we prescribed them time to work.  You know, the parents that have 7 children they can’t afford, yet they can roll up in a brand new Cadillac/Lexus/Anything even remotely as nice as my car.  I really want to start a list of all these people who abuse the system in one way or another, with a detailed list of what makes me think they shouldn’t be collecting on free shit from the tax monies I pay, and send it to my governor.  This shit kills me.   Not only do they abuse the system in these ways, but they will wait until all 4-8 of their children are sick to bring them all in…at once.  ”How long have they been sick, Mrs. Smith?”  ”Well, child 1 for 2 weeks, child 2 for 1.5 weeks, child 3 for 1 week, child 4 for 5 days, and child 5 just started yesterday.”  What the fuck?  What were you doing 2 weeks ago that was so important that you couldn’t just bring one in, have them treated, and saved yourself some time and me some tax money?  I strongly urge you people, don’t abuse the system.  I may be starting a list soon.

Do I Have To Stand On The Scale???:  Do I have to give you medications??  Fuck yes you have to stand on the scale.  Let’s go over this real fast.  First off, every time I’ve ever gone to the doctor or emergency room, I’ve been weighed.  It’s an important part of your vital signs.  Secondly, I have to put something in the weight area, and I can’t put “Bitch is fat as fuck and refused to be weighed”, so yes, get on the scale.  Lastly, and not as important in the case of adults, is medication dosages.  If you are here for medication and refuse to be weighed, the doctor on staff can technically refuse to write you a prescription.  Just like alcohol, its takes a certain amount of medication to have the same effect on 2 different sized people.  Sure, most doctors could guess in this area, and most don’t worry, but you know what?  It doesn’t matter, get on the scale.  Women are notorious for this, even when they aren’t even hefty.  They bitch and moan, whine and cry, about some numbers.  Guess who gives a shit in this room what you weigh?  I’ll give you a hint:  I sure as shit don’t, so the max number will be one.  I only care long enough to enter it into the computer, and then I could care less.  Quit thinking you’re so awesome that I want to see how much you weigh, or that I’m judging you.  Come to think about it, people who think that are mostly judgmental to begin with, so that’s your own problem.  Those that refuse?  I’ll make up a number that’s 50 lbs over what I think you really weigh, and that’s if I’m having a good day.  Otherwise, I’ll just stand there and make you do it, threatening you with not seeing a doctor til you do.

More to come soon…

~Ziggy

The Beginning…

I work at an Urgent Care.  A couple, actually.  It’s very interesting, being that they are in different parts of town… one area used to be a semi-middle class area, turned part white trash by the ever-evolving creeping movement from other white trash areas.  The other area is a very well-to-do area, still has white trash areas around it, but is more middle class than the first.

The differences are staggering, people.

And so begins the tales of urgency, the baffling responses people give, and even the “how-to” guides on how to not piss off the medical personnel taking care of you.  I could be that nurse taking your vitals, that tech taking your x-rays, that medical assistant drawing your blood.  Don’t piss me off.  The medical creed is “do no harm”… I’m here to tell you, there are people who will make small decisions that may not harm you, but they will make your life a little more uncomfortable than it could have been.

I am one of those people.

But hey, it’s not all bad!  I actually love my job(s), love dealing with most of my patients.  I just have my pet peeves.

We will go over them soon

 

Until then, take care!

~Ziggy